Meaning from Madness
Understanding the Hidden Patterns that Motivate Abusers: Narcissists, Borderlines, and Sociopaths
by Richard Skerritt

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Narcissistic Personality Disorder Symptoms

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What is Narcissism? Narcissistic Personality Disorder
is Driven by Fear that Others will Find Fault

What is narcissism? Does the "DSM" list of narcissistic personality disorder symptoms (NPD) leave you baffled? Maybe you read the diagnostic criteria for borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, and antisocial personality disorder (sociopathy) and now your head is spinning, wondering if it's all three? Well, you're not alone. They're official, but they're not the only way to characterize personality disorders.

Here's the bottom line: A person with NPD (a narcissist) lives with extreme fear that others will find fault with them, which is linked to extreme, pathological fears, which drive extreme, irrational behavior.

People with narcissism live with constant and extreme fear that others will find fault with them. And in their disordered mental process, someone with narcissism feels that if people find fault with them, something terrifying will happen. As a result, their minds distort reality, doing everything to keep them from seeing their own flaws, and when that fails, they have extreme, unexplainable reactions. This is the core of the disorder we call narcissistic personality disorder, narcissism.

More on detaching , healing , overcoming love , obligation .

It's not a normal mind

narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is one of a number of mental disorders called personality disorders. It affects a person in all aspects of their life, and doesn't change much with time. It gives rise to thoughts and emotions that don't belong in the present situation, and these cause a lot distress. Often these thoughts and emotions are extreme, and lead to extreme behavior. To protect from the extreme emotions, psychological defenses are put up in the person's mind. People with BPD remember things differently; they percieve things differently; they place blame on others when it belongs to them; they simply don't remember some things. These psychological defenses are contantly at work in the mind of the person, yet the person is unaware they are happening.

A person with narcissistic personality disorder lives in a distorted world; a world that is different from the world known by the people they live with. Their mind continually builds and sustains this distorted world, because it feels safer to them, and it prevents the extreme terror they would otherwise feel. Part of sustaining this distorted reality is forcing others to agree and support that reality. Those with BPD use persistence, manipulation, rages, and abuse to force others to adopt their reality, and they can lose control completely when another person challenges it.

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Another way to reconize this disorder, without the confusing list of narcissistic personality disorder symptoms, is this: if we live with someone with narcissistic personality disorder, we see these two things happening:

1. Those with narcissistic personality disorder unconsciously distort what they know and percieve, to create a reality in which they are free from faults, and use coercion to force those around them to support their distorted reality; and
2. when they can't maintain their distortions; when reality breaks through, and shows the the person with narcissistic personality disorder really does make mistakes, and really does have a problem, they respond in two ways. In public settings, they strive their utmost to rise above any flaw and perform perfectly, while in private settings (especially family) they can brutally abuse the person they think has shown a flaw, often insisting they recant and accept the delusional flawless reality of the narcissist.

Both of these are driven by an intense, pathological fear that others will find fault with the person. While we can't say for sure, it seems likely this fear arises from childhood experiences that link criticism with severe, brutal treatment.

The distortions in the minds of those with narcissistic personality disorder are not conscious. They are not choosing to distort; and they are not aware that their memories and perceptions differ from what normal people know. To them, their reality is simply what is. So if we disagree, they argue with strong conviction for what they know. They can be very convincing because they truly believe what they say! If we live with such a person, over time it can become hard to distinguish what we know is real from the distorted reality we are constantly pressured to accept and support. We can begin to wonder if we are the crazy ones.

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This can go to an even further extent. Something is obviously amiss, because of the differences in the reality we have vs. the person with borderline personality disorder. The defense mechanisms in the mind of the person with the  personality disorder won't allow awareness that the person has a disorder. There is a problem; it can't be possibly be mine; therefore the problem is yours! You're the one with a personality disorder!

There's a simple enough way to sort out who has borderline personality disorder. Ask yourself: can you see flaws in yourself? Can you tolerate if other people do, also? Do you have extreme fears that people in your life will see your flaws? If you can see and tolerate your flaws, and don't fear abandonment, then it's very unlikely you have a personality disorder. If you see the opposite in another person, then it's quite likely that person does have a personality disorder. Remember, though, that to be a personality disorder, the person must feel significant distress and the pattern of behavior must be stable over time.

Why are Borderline Personality Disorder Symptoms so Confusing?

If you've read the diagnostic definition of narcissistic personality disorder, you know that to clinically identify the disorder 5 out of 9 criteria must be present, and you may feel that most of them are present. But then if you look at borderline personality disorder, you see another different list, and again you might feel that most of them are present. Then again, antisocial personality disorder, with another list, and again you may feel many are present. What does it all mean?

Keep in mind, the diagnosic criteria weren't designed for casual conversation; they were developed by committees of psychologists and they were focused on defining all the personality disorders in way that made sense to them. They worried about certain parts of the diagnostic process, but one thing they didn't worry about was making the criteria unique. In fact they moved in quite the opposite way. Most of the time, people are diagnosed with more than one personality disorder! This comes about mostly because no one knows what the underlying causes of these disorders are. So they defined them in terms of behavior. Well, anyone can exhibit a behavoir; the reason for the behavior may or may not be specified in any particular criteria. So in principle anyone could show all the behaviors for all the personality disorders. On top of that,  there is overlapping behavior among the definitions of various disorders. So it's no surprise that people end up meeting the criteria for multiple disorders.

As a writer and teacher, I rarely explain these disorders using criteria lists. Over time, talking with many spouses and family of those with borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, and occasionally antisocial personality disorder, I've found that there is a fundamental psychological driver for these disorders; one that can be explained in a few sentences, and they are much more helpful that the criteria lists.

After working with many people, explaining the behaviors of their significant others, I wrote a short book that lays out the underlying driving forces; the psychological defense mechanisms, the treatment prospects, and the effect of the common concurrent abuse of alcohol in these three disorders. This book is called Meaning from Madness . Don't expect something to read on the beach for days. This is a short, succinct description. It has been in print since 2006, in 2013 went into its fifth printing has sold over 12,000 copies. It works for people because it uses a simple, practical definition and it makes sense. It also, includes, by the way, the DSM criteria for the disorders, though you'll probably not want to sift through them again.

Is it Borderline, or is it Narcissism?

If you've looked at the diagnostic definitions - the criteria lists - for borderline personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder, you almost certainly see characteristics from both disorders.

The reality as I see it, is that people considered to be borderline and those considered narcissistic are suffering from the same underlying disorder - a disorder based in fear of others seeing flaws in them. The difference between these two "diagnoses" is a different kind of coping. Sometimes such people cope poorly, falling into despondence, suicide, substance abuse, and despair. When they show these coping patterns, they are labeled as suffering from borderline personality disorder.

These same people, at other times, will build a functioning narcissistic defense. In this mode, they rely on a stable predictable environment, limiting exposure to new people, an environment where they can perform flawlessly, do all the things they feel they're expected to do, and keep their family "in line" so that the family, too, exhibits no flaws. People using a narcissistic defense appear "perfect" to work, community, and extended family, but are brutal to the family in their own home.

Those with borderline personality disorder have fragile defenses, and respond to exposure of a flaw sometimes by fighting for their reality, but sometimes with a loss of hope, despondence and fear of abandonment. Narcissists have strong, durable defense, and act with crushing brutality to preserve and stabilize their defensive facade.

But both are driven by the same underlying dynamic. Both those with borderline personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder live with terrifying fears that others will find fault with them, have unconscious distortions of memory and perception, and try to stabilize their distorted reality. The insight I offer here is that people transition between high and low levels of defense. At times in their lives they are able to maintain  their reality within a stable narcissistic perimeter. At other times, because of job changes, relationships changes, illness or other uncontrollable changes, their perimeter defense breaks down, and they drop into a despairing mode with behaviors that are more borderline. Yet,with time and support, they usually rebuild a new narcissistic system and return to narcissitic functioning.

Meaning from Madness  is my book that lays all this out.

How do I Cope?

If you live with someone who fits these descriptions, you need some idea of "What do I do now that I know this?" For most people, there are important values, beliefs and obligations that have to be carefully thought about. Because abuse is so damaging to a relationship, significant decisions have to be faced and then resolved. My first book, Tears and Healing , holds a light up in this dark place. Written from the inside perspective of someone who has been through the hell of being emotionally and verbally battered by a spouse, this book addresses the major issues that we all must wrestle with.

Tears and Healing  begins with the most difficult issue: abusive partners constantly work to distort our perception of what is happening and what is right and wrong, until we doubt our own judgment so much we can't make decisions. It then addresses the process of detaching to find safe space and to regain a sense of right and wrong, and searching to understand what we, as people, need in our lives - needs that often must be simply put aside to survive in these brutal situations. It deals with love, and the conflict of being in love with someone hurtful to us. And it addresses the intense feelings of obligation that many of us have, which keep us locked in situations that are beyond what any person should endure. Tears & Healing is an intensely personal and validating guide through this maze of thoughts and emotions.

But I'm so in love with him or her...

It's a common situation. You meet someone. In the beginning it seems you've found your dream, the perfect person for you. Strong emotions rise quickly, soon you are really in love. But as the relationship progresses, things change. The ideal person you met is not what you find now. Behavior becomes irrational, demanding. Blaming and accusations grow. Over time, a wonderful relationship sinks into misery. Yet you're still in love the person!

Our feelings of being "in love" are designed to help keep us together. But those feelings shouldn't keep us in a situation that is toxic to us. But often, that's just what they do. And because we are taught to have almost magical thoughts about falling in love - when and why and who - we feel really trapped.

Well, you can't choose feelings. They arise from a combination of your natural needs and your life experience in your memory. But you can set the stage for the kind of feelings you want. And that's where my book In Love and Loving It - or Not!  comes in. It explains how and why we fall in love; what we can do to get out of love with someone hurtful to us; how we can make choices so we are more likely to fall in love with someone good for us; and how being in love relates to the different, chosen actions of loving. Many of the people I help to deal with their abusive situations need this kind of guidance.

Most of the people I deal with need help with with all three areas: understanding their partner's disorder; learning how to deal with the difficult emotions and decisions they face; and dealing with love and attraction to someone who is hurtful. For these people, I have a package of three books, the Triple Pack , that includes Meaning from Madness, Tears and Healing, and In Love and Loving it - or Not!. Check it out and see if it might be right for you.

Altogether I have five books dealing with disorders and relationships with people with disorders. You can get them all together as well in the Skerritt Pack.

About the Author

Richard Skerritt is a writer, inventor, engineer, and athlete. A survivor of a marriage that turned abusive, he forged a path through confusion, love, obligation, and emotional damage to safety and truer life. His experience and insight, shared in Tears and Healing, originated in his contributions to online support groups for people in relationships with a partner who has borderline personality disorder. He actively contributed and mentored in these groups for the six years, and continues today. His writing and publishing work now includes six books (see them all here)and he continues to help people through books, daily email messages , and phone consultation. Not a mental health professional, his perspectives and guidance "from the inside out" have been especially relevant for people in abusive relationships.  More information is here.

Surviving the Storm - Strategies and Realities for Divorcing a Narcissist
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Still Struggling to Put the Pieces Together?

Tears and Healing Reflections - Insights on Abuse, the Diseases that Cause It, and the Relationships it Haunts delves deeper into the pain and paradox of an abusive relationship. It explains why we fail to understand even though we struggle; why holidays are so difficult; the relationship between borderline and narcissistic PD; defines abuse in a simple way. If you've been grappling with this difficult experience, this book can help you reach a better understanding.  More about this book.

Tears & Healing Reflections comes in the Relationship, Big Storm, or Richard Skerritt  package at a savings.

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