Is it Love? Or In-Love?
What's the difference?
Which is it?
So many words... Love; In-love; Falling-in-love; Love at first sight... What
do they mean??!! And what's happening to you?
Did you know: love is something we choose to do; while falling-in-love and being
in-love are feelings that we don't choose - they seem to happen to us.
So ask yourself: are you making a sacrifice? Making a choice? Are you giving anything
up? Or are you swept up with feelings; running downhill? Are you having the time of your
life; or the most miserable?
The fact is that falling in love is a kind of a trap door with a greased chute underneath-
designed to get us from one place - without a partner - to another place, with a
partner, and in a hurry. Sometimes that’s a happy place, and sometimes NOT.
Falling in love is part of how our minds work - a psychological mechanism - and
designed to make sure we end with someone and not without someone.
While there is a ton of romantic myth about falling in love, the reality is that
our minds work on more than one level. Usually, we are aware of the cognitive
part of our minds, the part that is involved in thinking and reasoning about
things. But on another level, our minds are scanning through our memory, looking
for someone in our experience who could be a good partner for us. That part of our
minds isn't logical, or based in reason; it works through pattern matching. It compares
the memories of people we've been around with the characteristics of a good partner.
When it finds a match, it triggers powerful emotions, and we end up in-love.
The other side of this coin is love. Don't confuse this with the emotions that come
with being in-love. When you're feeling love, you're on the emotional kick that
we get from being in-love. Love, in contrast, is something that we choose to do.
Love is an action. Love is an effort; a sacrifice. Love is doing something for the
good of someone else. We make a decision, a choice to love. It doesn't just erupt
from our emotions. We do it because we care; not because we're in-love and feeling
euphoric.
Love,
Loving |
In-love, Being in-Love,
Falling in-Love |
|
It's a choice |
Not a choice, it "happens" |
|
Is a sacrifice, a compromise |
Is easy, in facts it's all we want to do |
|
Is about another person and caring for that person |
Focused around another person, but really about our own feelings |
|
Is rewarding but hard |
Feels absolutely wonderful; or totally miserable |
The fact that you’re reading this suggests that you’re trying to deal with
the intense feelings of being in-love. Maybe you
thought you understood what it was all about... until it happened. Then suddenly
you were faced with crashing waves of emotions and discovered that the shore is
sometimes rocky. But to deal with it,
you need to know some things, like:
-
What is this strange phenomenon we call "falling in love"?
-
Why did I fall in love with him, or her?
-
Why didn't he (or she) love me back? Or
why did she (he)?
-
Why do we fall in love in the first place? Where did this crazy stuff
come from?
-
What's the difference between falling in-love and loving?
-
What do love and falling in love have to do with a good
marriage?
I’ve already said that our minds work on more than one level, including a
level that we can only recognize by its influence through feelings. For good or bad, we all carry some
inherent programming in our minds to helps us find and stay with a life partner.
That's what falling in love is all about!
But, that programming isn't foolproof. You could think
of it almost like a mousetrap that's been set and is ready to spring. It's loaded
with energy, and it's waiting for the right trigger to set that energy loose. But
that trigger isn't that precise. At the right time, or the wrong time, that trigger
can let loose. Then, look out! The emotions that are unleashed can be very
powerful. And when things are not just right, we can end up in a painful situation.
Understanding how things work can make a big difference.
There is a method to our mind's madness of falling in love. The more we understand
the process; the more we understand what motivates that process; the more we learn
about the patterns that trigger in-love feelings; the more we know about how to
end run around the needs that drive the process; the more we can get into control
and make the process work for our happiness.
In Love and Loving It - Or Not! gives you the knowledge
and insight to make the process work better for you. And it can help you understand
what real love is about. Love is a noun and a verb. And when we start to
understand the meaning of love as a verb - as something we choose to do rather
than something we fall into - we set the stage for successful lifelong relationships
and happy marriages.
This knowledge is something that every one of us can use.
Whether you are a teen struggling with a crush, a young adult in first serious relationship,
thinking about marrying after falling in love, struggling with feelings for someone
who doesn't love you back, or even well into your marriage, In Love and Loving It - Or
Not! can show you how to make sense of your feelings, learn from
your experience, and be more successful in your relationships, and build a more
fulfilling life.
What's Inside?
Introduction to the conscious and unconscious
mind
Falling in Love -
Where it came from
What makes the ideal man
What makes the ideal woman
How it happens
Beauty chooses
Strength subverted
Why am I in love?
Nurturing
Mating
Getting control
Why him? Why her?
Our ideal - the imago
Who's there?
I'm in love with him, how do I get him?
I'm in love with her, how do I get her?
Help! I'm in love. How do I get out??!
Loving - Another matter
Love and In-love
No Alternative to real love
Growing through love- what to grow?
Falling in Love and Marriage
Love and Marriage
Codependence and Love
About the Author
Trained as both an engineer and a sport psychologist,
Richard Skerritt might not be the first person you'd expect to write a scholarly treatise on the
psychology of falling in love. Fortunately, In Love and Loving It
- Or Not! is no
dry scholarly tome! This book is about the practical realities of feelings and relationships,
and Skerritt brings some excellent experience to this task. The author of Tears and
Healing, published under his online pseudonym of Richard, 21CP, he has been
guiding people around the English-speaking world in their relationships for over
five years. Through online groups and boards, he has a wealth of knowledge collected
from the shared experiences of many people.
In Love and Loving it - Or Not! originated
from ideas in a section of Tears and Healing, ideas that have already helped
many people deal with difficult situations where they are in-love - but with the
wrong people. An emotionally alive person, Skerritt has also been through his own
falling-in-love experiences twice in recent years - experience that contributes
to his simple but powerful understanding of how this amazing process works. Both
a formal and informal student of psychology, Skerritt has read extensively about
relationships, attraction, dating, and love, and synthesizes all of this into a
simple but meaningful explanation, expressed in his clear and simple style.
With training in science, engineering, and psychology,
Skerritt holds a BS in Biochemistry and a Masters in Chemical Engineering from Michigan
State University and a Graduate Certificate in Sport Psychology from Capella University.
His other books are Tears and Healing -
the journey to the light after an abusive relationship,
Meaning from Madness - Understanding the Hidden Motivations of Disordered
Abusers: Narcissists, Borderlines, and Sociopaths, and The Way of Respect
- Ancient Wisdom Adapted for Today.
|