Tears and Healing - The Journey to the Light After an Abusive Relationship

by Richard Skerritt Get free sample sections by email!!   Click here to sign up. Edition: Paperback, 180 pages Price: $24-30 (online) Ship for as little as $3.50 in the US Availability: In-stock-Usually ships in next US Mail pickup Publisher: Dalkeith Press (2005) ISBN: Paperback:  1-933369-01-9 $24.00 -Softcover - by mail $24.00 -E-book - by email, immediately $30.00 -Quick-Pack - e-book by email and softcover by mail We Ship Worldwide. (Click for Details)   US&Canada; Mail Order. (Click for Details)

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What the experts say / readers say about it. More on detaching , healing , overcoming love , obligation .

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Living with an Alcoholic?
 Overcome the love locking you in.
Deal with the Abuse.
(this essay adapted from Tears and Healing Reflections
with selected pages from Tears and Healing)

Are you living with an alcoholic? Chances are, if you're asking that question, you are. But did you know that for many alcoholics, the substance abuse is secondary, and the underlying problem is a serious mental disorder? Don't look for that insight at an Al-anon meeting - or in Al-anon literature, but it's true.

The fact is that many alcoholics suffer from personality disorders - serious mental disorders that cause them to perceive and react to events and people in ways that don't make sense to healthy people. While there are ten personality disorders defined in the US diagnostic system, three disorders consistently show up in people who tend to be abusive to others - and these same people often abuse alcohol and/or drugs. Those disorders are borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, and sociopathy (or antisocial personality disorder.)

People who suffer from these disorders have intense, unreasonable fears that are triggered by small events. They react with brutal rage and controlling outbursts. In some cases the fears are overwhelming, and they can sink into despondence and despair, and even become suicidal. They can be brutal and dominating at one time; beg you not to leave them at another; and even deny that you exist at other times. Because their minds are disordered, these actions and feelings make no sense to healthy people, and it can be crushing and brutal to experience from someone you love.

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Overcome the Love Locking You In

Many of us ended up in unhealthy relationships because, in the beginning, our partners held up a false front. Many of us felt or thought that we had met our soul mate; found the perfect partner; met that one special person in the universe. It's no surprise that we can fall in love with someone like this!

Later, usually after we've made a binding commitment like marriage, or sometimes after the relationship changes due to children being born, a job change, or other major life changes, our partner shows a completely different side. The person who was once perfect now can become angry, demeaning, demanding, and harshly critical. When alcohol or drugs are involved, the substance abuse usually takes a big step up, too.  I talk about this dynamic in my book on disordered behavior, Meaning from Madness. From someone we have deep feelings for, these actions are brutal. Yet we may still have strong feelings of love pulling us to that person. Talk about being torn!

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At some point, many of us realize this situation needs to change, but feelings are not chosen. How can you overcome the love that pulls you to someone who is abusing you?

While you can't turn those feelings off like a switch, you can learn to understand where those feelings come from, and how our minds create them, and then set the stage for new feelings to develop - hopefully toward someone who's better for us. At first this issue was a chapter in my book, Tears and Healing, but it was so important it eventually became its own short book, In Love and Loving It - Or Not!   The really sad part is that our minds create these feelings so that we'll be motivated to engage in a relationship that meets our emotional needs, yet those same feelings can end up locking us in, pulling back again into a broken relationship that just can't fill those needs! Its like a trap, one that we need new understanding to get out of.

Deal with the Abuse

Dealing with this situation is complex, and people need some idea of "What do I do now that I know this?" For most people, there are important values, beliefs and obligations that have to be carefully thought about. Abusive relationships are very hurtful situations, and significant decisions have to be faced, then resolved. Tears & Healing holds a light up in this dark place. Written from the inside perspective of someone who has been through the hell of being emotionally and verbally battered by a spouse, this book addresses the major issues that we all must wrestle with.

Tears & Healing begins with the most difficult issue: abusive partners constantly work to distort our perception of what is happening and what is right and wrong, until we doubt our own judgment so much we can't make decisions. It then addresses the process of detaching to find safe space and to regain a sense of right and wrong, and searching to understand what we, as people, need in our lives - needs that often must be simply put aside to survive in these brutal situations. It deals with love, and the conflict of being in love with someone hurtful to us. And it addresses the intense feelings of obligation that many of us have, which keep us locked in situations that are beyond what any person should endure. Tears & Healing is an intensely personal and validating guide through this maze of thoughts and emotions. The reader reviews below can give you some sense of how liberating Tears & Healing has been for many, many people.

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Al-Anon and Detaching

Al-Anon can be a great resource, but sometimes its hard to figure out just what the heck Al-Anon is trying to teach you. Al-Anon almost seems to center around the concept of detaching, but just exactly what is detaching? Al-Anon mostly seems to teach how others have chosen to stay with their troubled spouses, but how do you detach and still have a marriage?  Look inside for more on detaching

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As I said already, dealing with feelings of love is a huge barrier for many. My book, In Love and Loving It - Or Not! , addresses these issues. It explains how and why we fall in love; what we can do to get out of love with someone hurtful to us; how we can make choices so we are more likely to fall in love with someone good for us; and how being in love relates to the different, chosen actions of loving. Many of the people I help to deal with their abusive situations need this kind of guidance.

After talking personally with many people in phone consultation, I found that people also need a way of making some sense of their abusive partner's actions. Though their actions make no sense from the perspective of a healthy person, there is something inside them that motivates them. After explaining this many times, I wrote a companion book, Meaning from Madness, which explains what makes abusive people act as they do, explains the psychological defense mechanisms they use which cause them to see a different reality than we see, and explains how alcohol and drug use - so painfully common among them - compounds these disordered patterns. I consider Meaning from Madness to be the second essential piece of this puzzle.

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Why Does He/She Abuse Me? Meaning from Madness - Understanding the Hidden Patterns that Motivate Abusers: Narcissists, Borderlines, and Sociopaths explains the simple psychological driving force that defines these diseases; what motivates them to abuse their families yet behave well in public; explains their irrational actions, their treatment prospects, and the impact of alcohol abuse combined with these disorders. It explains the overlap/relationship of narcissism, borderline personality disorder and sociopathy. More about this book. Multiple books are available together in packages  at a savings.

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Editorial Reviews of Tears and Healing

Reviewer: J. Paul Shirley, MSW - Co-Author: Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook 

I highly recommend Richard's book, Tears and Healing. His writing is clear, and although his words are written with gentleness, he pulls absolutely no punches about dealing with the hard facts about BPD and its effects on everyone. Some people say there is a reason for the pain we go through having a partner with BPD, and in Richard's case I agree. He has a gift for lending a helping hand for others trying to walk that painful path. I don't generally get excited about new books on BPD, but Richard's left me feeling good & that's a rare gift for a writer to have.

Reviewer: Sam Vaknin - Author: Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited

There are bookshelves upon bookshelves of professional, scholarly, and utterly inaccessible literature about abusive relationships. Those who need it the most - the traumatized victims - are locked out by the jargon and the lack of practical advice. Recently, survivors and victims have taken matters into their own hands and have published their own books, replete with first hand experiences and tips. Tears and Healing is a fine specimen of such writing: sensitive, attuned to the emotional and pragmatic needs of the survivors, both deep and accessible, a helpful guide to the traumatic aftermath of abuse.

Reviewer: Randi Kreger - Coauthor: Stop Walking on Eggshells and the Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook; Owner: http://BPDCentral.com .

In Tears and Healing, Richard Skerritt takes us along on his personal journey from his "lightbulb experience" to making painful decisions about his marriage to a woman with borderline personality disorder. It takes courage for non-BP partners to understand and take responsibility for their own role in the "borderline dance," and even more courage to write about it. Richard has done both.

Reviewer: Darla Boughton, Manager of Narcissistic Abuse Recovery/Psychopath forum (4000+ members)

Tears and Healing is a must read for anyone involved in a devastating relationship with a personality disordered partner. It is a must-have, top-notch, first-aid kit to understanding the emotional devastation such a relationship causes. The author reveals his first-hand experience and knowledge. Let Richard's words reveal how to reclaim your sanity in an insane interaction with a disordered partner.

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Still Struggling to Put the Pieces Together? Tears and Healing Reflections - Insights on Abuse, the Diseases that Cause It, and the Relationships it Haunts delves deeper into the pain and paradox of an abusive relationship. It explains why we fail to understand even though we struggle; why holidays are so difficult; the relationship between borderline and narcissistic PD; defines abuse in a simple way. If you've been grappling with this difficult experience, this book can help you reach a better understanding.  More about this book. Tears & Healing Reflections comes in the Relationship, Big Storm, or Richard Skerritt  package at a savings.

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Author's Comments 

Abuse is when someone else hurts us to serve their own needs and uses the situation to lock us in and maintain control. Abuse can be physical, emotional, verbal or sexual. My own experience was being verbally and emotionally abused. I consider my experience to be particularly brutal because my abuser sought not just control, but to emotionally destroy me.

But no matter the type or intensity of experience, I believe anyone currently in or having escaped from an abusive situation can benefit from my approaches. I worked hard to understand why I felt trapped and how I could escape. I read and studied many books on psychology and relationships. I pieced together the best ideas from these and added insight and models of my own. I've shared my experience and approaches as a mentor in online support communities since 2000. Hundreds of people in these groups have shared with me how unique and helpful my insights are. And thousands more have read and benefited from my online writings.

Getting yourself out of an abusive situation and healing the damage it has done are not small tasks. It takes time and energy. But you also need guidance in what to work on, because abusive partners deliberately distort our reality to serve their sick needs. My books, combined with continued dialog in support communities, can provide that critical compass to navigate the dark passages until the light breaks through.

I wish you good luck and Godspeed.

Richard Skerritt

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Richard Skerritt's Five Books on Abuse and Abusive Relationships  Books on Abusive Relationships by Richard Skerritt 
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