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Surviving the Storm of Divorcing a Narcissist

You may have thought that living with your troubled spouse was hard. But now that you’ve reached the point of divorce, you probably already know that this can be ever harder. Narcissistic behavior can be labeled as borderline, sociopathic, narcissistic, or just intolerable, but it all derives from one fundamental driving force: narcissists can’t tolerate criticism, especially public criticism. And divorcing them is about the most direct and public criticism you can make. You’ll know you’re there when your soon-to-be ex spouse begins a campaign of destruction against you. And if you don’t know how to resond and deal with it, it can take a terrible toll.

Surviving the Storm offers practical strategies that can help you reach a settlement with your soon-to-be ex, in spite of his or her seeming determination to scorch the earch. The key is understanding that narcissists fear, above all, critical judgment by others. Your decision to divorce sets these fears in motion. To counter them, you need to know how to split the battlefield, offering on the one hand a safe alternative in which you get what you need, and on the other a continuing stream of criticism, judgment, and shame heaped on your soon-to-be ex. In essence, you trade the safety of silence for the things you need in the settlement.

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Surviving the Storm also offers practical boundaries on what you can and can't expect to do. It explains the impact of divorcing a narcissist on your children, and offers strategies and tactics to help achieve a custody arrangement that is best for your kids. It explains what parental alienation is and where to get more help with it. It offers some reflection on the moral issues we face in divorce, including the Catholic Church's surprising position holding that marriage to a narcissist is a moral impossibility. Finally, it offers a perspective on healing and the need for new experiences to move on.

Richard has been helping people deal with the trauma and pain of abusive relationships for nearly ten years. His other books are Tears and Healing , Meaning from Madness , In Love and Loving It - Or Not! , Tears and Healing Reflections , and the Way of Respect    If you've read them, you know his style, and this book is also short and to the point, giving you the information and insight you need without wading through hundreds of pages you don't need.

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Reader Reviews:

Reviewer: KM
Surviving The Storm is a terrific book. It goes straight to the heart of the matter and gives practical advice. If a narcissist is tearing your life asunder you have no time for fluff- you need a lifeline, and that is what your book provides.

Reviewer: Mirella
I read Surviving The Storm after I left my husband of 22 years and it helped me tremendously to understand why two years of mediation was not working out. I realized that the only way I was going to get a divorce and a reasonable settlement was to hire a lawyer. Although I already knew about manipulators and narcissism, your book was a detailed godsend and opened up a whole new perception of reality for me.
The divorce was final this year, and now I realize I need to read your Meaning from Madness and Tears and Healing writings. I believe your books will once again open up a new perception of reality for me while answering some of my questions.

Reviewer: Barbara
Surviving the Storm is worth its weight in platinum and I am on my second read through it. For my personal life, it is the most liberating book I have ever read. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for it. I know it was written from your blood, sweat, and tears.

Reviewer: Cecile
So interesting and moving reading !! I unfortunately recognize what I lived - and suffered a lot from - but that relieves me so much to know that there is an explanation and the "fault" is essentially not mine !! Thank you !!

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Author's Comments

Most divorces are contentious, and it’s not because people have nothing better to do. The fighting and destructive behavior is usually just a dialed-up form of the problems that one partner had during the marriage. And unknown to most people, the problem is often a disorder called narcissism.

Narcissism is a hidden and misunderstood disease, whose sufferers – men or women – present a wonderful image in public, but who attack, demean and control their families in private. They do this because they are disordered – their minds work in a way different from healthy people. If you don’t understand what is driving them, your efforts in divorce can just make things worse.

That’s where Surviving the Storm can help. Written by someone who for 10 years has been helping people deal with narcissistic relationships, it explains how to approach divorcing an irrational, contentious spouse to move toward settlement and the things you need, while calming your spouse’s fears. "Move toward"…? Well, be honest. You probably already consider your spouse is acting totally crazy. You can’t expect a total transformation. But by understanding the forces at play, and working with them rather than fighting them, you can make your process faster, easier, and more successful.

And what this book isn't? It isn't a clinical analysis of a mental illness. You've lived with a narcissist. I don't need to tell you that the chances of your soon-to-be ex marching into a counselor or therapist and talking openly about her/his illness is... laughable. That's why psychologists and clinicians don't get this disease - they never get to see it! I've seen it; I've suffered through it; and I've written and talked with thousands of other who also have. I know what it's about, and while there's no magic fix, I can at least keep you from trying arm wrestle a gorilla; or worse yet, float a ship that is bound to sink.

In this difficult time, I wish you good luck and Godspeed.
Richard Skerritt, author of Tears and Healing

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Another book that can help:

What is Narcissism? Meaning from Madness - Understanding the Hidden Patterns that Motivate Abusers: Narcissists, Borderlines, and Sociopaths explains the simple psychological driving force that defines this disease, the irrational actions of narcissists, their treatment prospects, and the impact of alcohol abuse. It explains the overlap/relationship with borderline personality disorder and sociopathy. More about this book. Books are available in packages  at a savings.

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Books by Richard Skerritt:  Books on Abusive Relationships by Richard Skerritt 
Click a cover for more info...              Get three or more books together in a package  and save.

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