Living with a Narcissist? Overcome the love locking you in. Deal with the Abuse
(this essay adapted from Tears
and Healing Reflections
with selected pages from Tears and Healing)
Is your partner a narcissist? You may not know how to tell, but even worse, you
may be thinking that you are the crazy one. Narcissists work hard to distort
our reality to make their reality feel safer.
So what is a narcissist? Someone who preens in front of the mirror all day in admiration?
NOT! Ask yourself this: is your partner intensely angered by anything that
seems to suggest that he or she might have a flaw? Narcissists will do anything,
including brutalizing their own family, to maintain their own feeling that others
see them as without any flaws. And, narcissists have extreme and illogical sensitivities,
sometimes connecting the most minute observations with their intense fears of being
seen as flawed. Narcissists will strain every muscle to meet their own "flawless"
image, and demean or destroy anyone or anything who casts any doubt on this image.
If you see this dynamic in your partner, family member, coworker, or friend, you
are very probably dealing with a narcissist.
Overcome the Love Locking You In
Many of us ended up in unhealthy relationships because, in the beginning, our partners
held up a false front. Many of us felt or thought that we had met our soul mate;
found the perfect partner; met that one special person in the universe. It's no
surprise that we can fall in love with someone like this!
Later, usually after we've made a binding commitment like marriage, or sometimes
after the relationship changes due to children being born, a job change, or other
major life changes, our partner shows a completely different side. The person who
was once perfect now can become angry, demeaning, demanding, and harshly critical.
When alcohol or drugs are involved, the substance abuse usually takes a big step
up, too. I talk about this dynamic in my book on disordered behavior, Meaning
from Madness. From someone we have deep feelings for, these actions are
brutal. Yet we may still have strong feelings of love pulling us to that person.
Talk about being torn!
|
|
-Softcover -
by mail
|
|
|
-E-book -
by email, immediately
|
|
|
-Quick-Pack -
e-book and softcover
|
At some point, many of us realize this situation needs to change, but feelings are
not chosen. How can you overcome the love that pulls you to someone who is abusing
you?
While you can't turn those feelings off like a switch, you can learn to understand
where those feelings come from, and how our minds create them, and then set the
stage for new feelings to develop - hopefully toward someone who's better for us.
At first this issue was a chapter in my book, Tears and Healing, but it was so important
it eventually became its own short book, In Love and Loving It - Or Not! The really sad part is that our
minds create these feelings so that we'll be motivated to engage in a relationship
that meets our emotional needs, yet those same feelings can end up locking us in,
pulling us back again into a broken relationship that just can't fill those needs!
Its like a trap, one that we need new understanding to get out of.
Deal with the Abuse
Disordered people aren't just hurtful. They also spin our reality to make theirs
less painful. They project their problems onto us, and blame us for what they do.
After a while it becomes hard to distinguish what is real from what is being projected
and what is being distorted. We begin to doubt our reality and question whether
we're the crazy ones. What's more, disordered people hide their problems very effectively,
concealing their disease from most people, causing us further confusion.
The truth is, THEY'RE NOT RIGHT. But they feel better when they can get us to carry
the burden of their illness and their behavior.
Dealing with this situation is complex, and people need some idea of "What
do I do now that I know this?" For most people, there are important
values, beliefs and obligations that have to be carefully thought about. Abusive
relationships are very hurtful situations, and significant decisions have to be
faced, then resolved. Tears & Healing holds a light up in this dark place.
Written from the inside perspective of someone who has been through the hell of
being emotionally and verbally battered by a spouse, this book addresses the major
issues that we all must wrestle with.
Tears & Healing begins with the most difficult issue: abusive partners
constantly work to distort our perception of what is happening and what is right
and wrong, until we doubt our own judgment so much we can't make decisions. It then
addresses the process of detaching to find safe space and to regain a sense
of right and wrong, and searching to understand what we, as people, need in our
lives - needs that often must be simply put aside to survive in these brutal situations.
It deals with love, and the conflict of being in love with someone hurtful to us.
And it addresses the intense feelings of obligation that many of us have, which
keep us locked in situations that are beyond what any person should endure. Tears
& Healing is an intensely personal and validating guide through this
maze of thoughts and emotions. The reader reviews below can give you some sense
of how liberating Tears & Healing has been for many, many people.
|
|
-Softcover -
by mail
|
|
|
-E-book -
by email, immediately
|
|
|
-Quick-Pack -
e-book and softcover
|
As I said already, dealing with feelings of love is a huge barrier for many. My
book, In Love
and Loving It - Or Not! , addresses these issues. It explains how and
why we fall in love; what we can do to get out of love with someone hurtful to us;
how we can make choices so we are more likely to fall in love with someone good
for us; and how being in love relates to the different, chosen actions of loving.
Many of the people I help to deal with their abusive situations need this kind of
guidance.
After talking personally with many people in phone consultation, I found that people
also need a way of making some sense of their abusive partner's actions. Though
their actions make no sense from the perspective of a healthy person, there is
something inside them that motivates them. After explaining this many times, I wrote
a companion book, Meaning from Madness, which explains what makes abusive
people act as they do, explains the psychological defense mechanisms they use which
cause them to see a different reality than we see, and explains how alcohol and
drug use - so painfully common among them - compounds these disordered patterns.
I consider Meaning from Madness to be the second essential piece of this
puzzle,
About the Author
Richard Skerritt is a writer, inventor, engineer, and athlete. A survivor of a marriage
that turned abusive, he forged a path through confusion, love, obligation, and emotional
damage to safety and truer life. His experience and insight, shared in Tears and
Healing, originated in his contributions to online support groups for people
in relationships with a partner who has borderline personality disorder. He actively
contributed and mentored in these groups for the six years, and continues today.
His writing and publishing work now includes six books
(see them all here)and
he continues to help people through books, daily
email messages
, and phone consultation. Not a mental health professional, his perspectives and
guidance "from the inside out" have been especially relevant for people
in abusive relationships. More information is
here.
|
|
-Softcover -
by mail
|
|
|
-E-book -
by email, immediately
|
|
|
-Quick-Pack -
e-book and softcover
|
Reviewer: J. Paul Shirley, MSW - Co-Author:
Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook
I highly recommend Richard's book,
Tears and Healing. His writing is clear, and although his words
are written with gentleness, he pulls absolutely no punches about
dealing with the hard facts about BPD and its effects on everyone.
Some people say there is a reason for the pain we go through having
a partner with BPD, and in Richard's case I agree. He has a gift
for lending a helping hand for others trying to walk that painful
path. I don't generally get excited about new books on BPD, but
Richard's left me feeling good & that's a rare gift for a writer
to have.
Reviewer: Sam Vaknin - Author:
Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited
There are bookshelves upon bookshelves
of professional, scholarly, and utterly inaccessible literature
about abusive relationships. Those who need it the most - the traumatized
victims - are locked out by the jargon and the lack of practical
advice. Recently, survivors and victims have taken matters into
their own hands and have published their own books, replete with
first hand experiences and tips. Tears and Healing is a fine specimen
of such writing: sensitive, attuned to the emotional and pragmatic
needs of the survivors, both deep and accessible, a helpful guide
to the traumatic aftermath of abuse.
Reviewer: Randi Kreger - Coauthor:
Stop Walking on Eggshells and the
Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook; Owner:
http://BPDCentral.com
.
In Tears and Healing, Richard Skerritt
takes us along on his personal journey from his "lightbulb experience"
to making painful decisions about his marriage to a woman with borderline
personality disorder. It takes courage for non-BP partners to understand
and take responsibility for their own role in the "borderline dance,"
and even more courage to write about it. Richard has done both.
Reviewer: Darla Boughton, Manager
of
Narcissistic Abuse Recovery/Psychopath forum
(4000+ members)
Tears and Healing is a must read
for anyone involved in a devastating relationship with a personality
disordered partner. It is a must-have, top-notch, first-aid kit
to understanding the emotional devastation such a relationship causes.
The author reveals his first-hand experience and knowledge. Let
Richard's words reveal how to reclaim your sanity in an insane interaction
with a disordered partner.
|
|
-Softcover -
by mail
|
|
|
-E-book -
by email, immediately
|
|
|
-Quick-Pack -
e-book and softcover
|
This is a secure site, and we respect your privacy. You can read more about our
privacy policy
and our
information security
.
Copyright 2006-19 Dalkeith Press, Inc.
Are you a woodworker? Hard-to-find parts for tools on
woodworkerparts.com